Oh Lord, why am I so drawn to something I feel unworthy of? Am I a fool? Why can’t I resist these persistent instincts? How much longer must I endure the mental, emotional, and even physical pain that constantly aches within me? I can’t even move forward, as if life has come to a halt. Yet, I continue to breathe and hear the beats of my heart. Sometimes it feels like my heart forgets to beat, briefly igniting a glimmer of hope for an end to this suffering. Unfortunately, before I can embrace the rhythm of death, my heart starts pumping again. These organs are mine, but why do I lack control over them? Who is in command, You or nature? I have witnessed enough on this earth. I have played the role assigned to me, following the script written by You, and now there is nothing left. I implore You to stop commanding my body, as the pain has become unbearable. Hear me out, for this universe is so complex, and I am nothing more than a tiny particle within it. I observe the various moods of the weather, the earthquakes, and floods, which mirror my own mood swings, illnesses, and overwhelming thoughts. Is it the turmoil within me or the behavior of nature itself? In the face of such difficulties, I can no longer stay on the right religious path as prescribed in Your scriptures. I seek Your mercy, acknowledging my inability to bring justice to my body, mind, and soul. I stand before You with a single desire: that You may show me mercy and bring an end to my suffering. Amen.
Tauseef Kazmi